160cm
by TheNobodyofaSOLDIER
Summary: <html><head></head>[Levi x Reader] [AU] [Lemon] [Parody!]</html>


(This is a parody of the bathroom scene in "50 Shades of Grey." As much as I'm not a fan this particular writing style, I wrote it in first person/present tense to emulate the original "50 Shades" style.)

With an irritated yawn, I hobble to the kitchen and practically inhale what coffee was left. I glare down the short man standing in front of me as he washes away the left over breakfast. One problem we share is that we despise mornings. Dragging ourselves out of bed is a feat not to be overlooked. We deserve an award of some sort. My brain drifts away into a void the longer I stare. He continues his morning ritual, arranging the dishes in the desired order, cleaning the plates until he could see his own reflection, then turning to look at me.

He raises an eyebrow, implying his curiosity.

"I'm gonna bathe...," I grumble, slumping my way to his room and pushing open the door.

Unbeknownst to me, Levi's horribly filthy mind...is concocting other plans...

After washing my face and turning on the water, I sit on the bathtub rim, waiting for the hot water to fill to the brim. I inhale the pleasant steam with a deep sigh. When I turn back, Levi stands there, half dressed, pants hung open, arms crossed, watching my every move.

"Creepy midget bastard," I grumble.

Raising an eyebrow, he points to the sink.

"Over there, [Name]," he demands.

I roll my eyes. "Bossy, huh?" I laugh. "Beat it, shortie."

And thus his patience diminishes. In a flash, he tugs my hair and pushes me over to the desired location.

"You've been bad," he whispers behind my ear.

I shudder. "Stop fucking whispering in my ear."

With a bat upside the head, he whispers, completely ignoring my previous command, "I haven't had my way with you in a month. I think it's only fair, don't you?"

I should have guessed. "I said I want to bathe f-" before I can finish, he places kisses along my neck. Any time I try to nudge him away, he clutches me tighter to his short visage.

Well, there isn't any point arguing now.

Deft fingers unclasp the front of my shirt, exposing my skin to the cold air. Frankly, having not been laid in a month or so, I found it difficult to say no. All I can do is arch my back and let him continue.

"Well, isn't this awkward," he says with a chuckle, directing my attention to the mirror in front of us.

I open my eyes, and see a pair of [e/c] eyes staring confusedly back at me.

"You're shitting me, right?"

"You wanna see what you look like when I fuck you senseless?" he tugs away the unneeded fabric.

I laugh. "Ummm, no. Not really. I'm sure it's hideous."

"On the contrary," his low chuckle vibrates in his chest.

Before I can reply with another snarky comment, he returns to kissing my neck and shoulders. I hate to admit when I enjoy his touch in the middle of a battle of wits, but he has a way with his mouth that's just not right. In fact, it's downright sinful, and he knows it. Before I break from my trance, he removes the lower coverings, leaving me naked in front of him. He grasps my hands and rubs them in monotonous circles around my stomach. My skin is already smoldering beneath my palms.

"Are you encouraging me to rub myself?" I ask, sticking out my tongue, my muddled brain somehow still functioning.

He clicks his tongue and continues his kisses and nips down my back. Taking me by surprise, he sticks his palm between my legs.

"Not necessarily, but if you're offering," he chuckles.

"Damn you," I grumble.

It doesn't take too long for him to realize his own desperation. He lets me go, urging me to proceed. Luckily, he cannot hear my evil laugh, resonating in my throat. As he undresses, I rub and touch myself along my front. I moan and groan in pleasure, squeezing, scratching, fingering, anything the dark corridors of my mind could produce. Then, when I'm sure he's watching, I slide two fingers inside. His eyes widen.

"Ohhhh, this feels soooo good," I say, biting my finger. "Ohhh, maaaaan. I'm SOOOO good at this."

I hear him growl and curse under his breath. After tossing aside his clothes, he smacks my hand away.

"You filthy bitch," he seethes.

"You told me to carry on," I say with a shrug.

Causing me to shout, he tackles me to the floor, gripping my forearms almost painfully.

"You really know how to piss me off," he grunts, slamming inside without warning.

After regaining my composure, I laugh,

"I was just following orders."

He has had enough. He roughly kisses me with a low growl and doesn't hesitate to set a fast and violent rhythm. My tightened nerves don't take long to give in and release, sweating and groaning quietly. Damn, what a work out! He grimaces and curses as he spirals down in and out of his own release. After a moment or two of panting and collecting ourselves, he looks at me with a smile.

"Ahhh, that's a relief," I smile and thwack his head. "That desperate for your wife's loving touch, huh?"

He chuckles and kisses my cheek.

"I haven't seen you in a month, [Name]. I missed you."

"Awww, tired of being surrounded by morons?" I sit up and kiss his mouth.

"Damn, you have no idea," finally, he stands up and pulls me to my feet. "Now, shall we enjoy a peaceful day with no interruptions?"

Trapping him in my embrace, I reply, petting his hair,

"I'd love that."


End file.
